My Wine Needs a Straw!

I worked at PF Chang’s for a few years, but one of the most memorable morons was one of the first tables I ever had at the place.

I had been waiting tables for abou five years at this point. This party of 7 comes in, orders drinks, says they’re waiting for an 8th. Ok, cool. Bitch shows up after 45 minutes, a bit tipsy. (One of her friends says he is driving her home, so I feel ok about giving her a couple drinks throughout her dinner.)

Everyone else in the party is pretty cool, so I wasn’t expecting her to be such a cunt. I introduce myself, “How are you, can I interest you in…”

“Wine list.”

“Okay, you’re actually looking right at it.”, patting the wine list that she is holding.

She proceeded to ask me a whole mess of weird questions about what wine went with what and how, where grapes were grown, etc, the whole time with a nasty, condescending tone.

Ok, fine, used to that.

“Ugh, just give me your best White Zinfandel.”

For real? Mmkay.

Bring her the shitty “wine.” She looks at it with a puss on her face, then looks at me…

“Two things, dear”… >snarly tone<

“Why is it PINK, and where is my ICE?”

I ignore the pink question. At this point, her friends were showing signs of being frustrated with her.

“I can bring you some ice, ma’am. Be back in a moment.”

Bring her the ice in a pint glass.

“No. You need to return this wine and have them pour me a fresh glass OVER the ice in the wine glass.”

Yea, the bartender actually did this.

Brought her the fucking shit wine, in a goddam wine glass, over ice.

Glares at me. “Where is my
STRAW?”

Wow, for real? Mmkay.

I had set one at her place before she had even left her seat in front of the last poor sap who had to wait on her at the previous restaurant. I gesture to it, “You have one there.”

She picks up a chopstick, sticks it in her crap pink wine, puts her fuscia lips all over it, and sucks. Hard.

Her friends don’t even know what to do.

She backs away from the drink, incredulous. “My. Straw. Is. BROKEN.”

I am done at this point.

“That’s because it’s a CHOPSTICK, DEAR”, mimicking her tone from earlier. It took longer than you would think for her to realize what had happened.

A woman in the party starts to laugh like crazy. One of the men tells me politely that they will need a minute. As I walk away, they all start laughing at her. She ordered nothing else, nor did she speak, or even look at me.

Her friends left a fat tip. One of the only times I have been really humiliated, but also vindicated at the same time.

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