Possibly The Greatest Rant Ever.

A nice little vent from a page member:

Hi I’m your bartender.

No, I will not hold your keys, phone, or wallet. I definitely will not charge your phone behind the bar.

When I ask you what I can get for you, the proper answer is what you want, not “he was here first” or “she was before me”.

If I’m asking you, it’s your turn. Either answer or wait until I get everyone else at the bar.

Don’t ask me if I know how to make the “blue drink you had that one time” that you had on a cruise. Don’t ask me what that fruity drink was that another bartender made your friend. It could be thousands of things and guess what? I didn’t make it so I’ve got NO idea.

Don’t ask me to smile. I’m focused on my job and probably annoyed with people like you who ask me to smile. Your compliments do not pay my bills, so while I’m so flattered that you told me I’m the best bartender you’ve ever had, I’d like money in my tip jar instead, thanks.

I make $2.63 an hour so my paychecks are almost nonexistent. it’s time for adults to stop pretending they had no idea we basically work for tips.

Don’t rack up a $100 tab and tip me $4 and say “times are tough”. They’re tough for me too, and I’m not trying to work for free.

The only thing that you yelling “hey!”, “Bartender!”, Or slamming your hand on the bar will do is get my attention enough to know who to serve last… it’s you.

Trust me, this is my job, I know you’re there, and I know you want drinks… I’ll get there when it’s your turn. If I’m busy, don’t order frozen drinks, lemon drops, old fashions.

DO NOT put your dirty hands in my fruit tray. It’s not there for you to snack on, and no, you can’t have a cup of oranges.

Don’t swipe your card every time you get a drink, start a tab, or have cash.

Yes, doubles are double the cost (duh) and no, I won’t “hook it up “. If I ask you for your ID, I don’t care how old you are. Show me.  I’m not risking my job for you, and how surprised are you REALLY that you got ID’d at a bar?

If you think you’re being easy by saying “Surprise me!”, you’re not. Tell me what you want or don’t approach me until you do. If you’re unsure and want help or a suggestion, do it when I’m not slammed.

No, I haven’t seen the friend you came with, I’ve been busy… bartending.

The price of your tab isn’t my fault. You ordered the drinks you ordered, and I’m not the one who decided the drink prices so… don’t yell at me if you think your tab is too high.

Instead of saying “what beer do you have?” ask me first if we have the specific beer you’re looking for. Chances are it’s a Bud Light and yeah, we’ve got it.

No I won’t leave the bar to dance with you. I’m working. Don’t ask me what my real job is… this is it.

I can’t believe I have to even say this one, but no, bottom shelf tequila and Patron are not the same price. Are a chicken basket and a steak the same price? Come on now. Yes there’s an up charge for red bull and no you can’t come ask me for free sodas all night. (A coke back for your shot? Sure.)

If you gotta ask if the tip you left is good enough, I think you know it isn’t. If someone pays for your tab, you should still tip, or at least make sure whoever paid for it tipped accordingly.

Less ice means more mixer, not more alcohol. So don’t be surprised when you insist I put 3 cubes of ice and you can’t taste the liquor in your drink. There’s a reason there’s a recipe for your sex on the beach, Karen. I know what I’m doing. It’s gonna taste good and there’s the right amount of liquor I promise. If you want your drink to taste like straight up liquor, I suggest you take straight shots instead.

Also, stop being Fucking cheap. Yes I’m going to hold your card for your tab and I don’t care who you know, how often you’re here, or how much money you have.

“I know it’s passed last call but can I get one more?” Absolutely not.

Basically… don’t be an asshole, cheap-ass, or a dumb-ass and you will get excellent service, delicious drinks, and hell… maybe even a smile!

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