“I’m not slow dancing with you behind the bar. That means we’ve peaked, and I’m not ready for that.” “You say peak. I say rock bottom.” “One person’s premature ejaculation is another’s guaranteed child support […]
Does anyone else do this? Two people walk in, completely dumbfounded, like they’ve never seen televisions or running water before. We’re dead, so, bartner and I are making up a backstory for them. “How much […]
“There’s two types of attention whores. Ones who were paid no attention by their parents and ones who were fucked by them. She’s definitely been fucked by her dad.”
Guy: “I wax my ass because it saves me on wiping time.” Me: WTF?Guy: Yeah… No hair to grab nuggets…Me: We can no longer be friends.
Conversations behind a bar: “I’m like a middle school boy when it comes to flirting with guys.” “So…. like, you throw things at them?” “Yea, like my vagina.”
“I slept wrong or something… I have no feeling in the fingers in my hand.” “Just go finger-blast yourself tonight… It’ll feel like someone else is doing it.”
“Did that kid tip you?” “Yes, 50 cents on a soda.” “It’s bad when a 6-year-old tips better than a group of guys.”
“Why does that chick look like she belongs in a Motley Crüe or Poison video?” “Because she does. I’m pretty sure she’s still taking quaaludes from ’82.” “Her mom definitely sucked David Lee Roth’s dick.”